And I can’t do this all on my own.

Quitting smoking is sucking balls.

Earlier this year I got a “Final Written Warning” at work. It hit me like a brick. I didn’t know anything was wrong. My boss never communicated anything to me. It got to be a “Final” warning only because I got written up in my first two weeks, yes a year ago, for not reporting that I had stumbled across a website that had pr0n on it. No I closed my browser and went on about my life. I got written up for it. So my boss hits me a few weeks back with this “Final” warning that has nothing to do with anything else in my file and I am on eggshells at work. The main gist of the write up was sloppiness in my work and she had three examples listed. Example one was me doing exactly and precisely what the vendor told me to do and it ended up being wrong. Yeah that was my fault. Example two was a technology I had never dealt with and I did make some mistakes, I made mistakes correcting her mistakes in the initial setup, yes again totally my fault. Thirdly was a project where I was sloppy. I was. I also caught it and slowed it down and recommended we hold off so I could regroup. Along with that I also found that we weren’t ready to go even if I hadn’t been sloppy. The same project on a different plate went horribly awry the very next weekend. All that said it is review time and I have really been head down but I know that the “Final” warning is going to play into it and I won’t get a bonus. I will likely be told I am lucky to have kept my job. The problem is that there were much larger projects that went without a hitch on my plate including projects that modified every single Linux server in the farm. It won’t matter because all she ever sees is what I do wrong.

It sounds petty but I have kept track of a co-workers mistakes recently. I don’t mean out of malice or to throw him under a bus but just to see if I am being paranoid. Out of fifteen projects since I started watching a total of five have gone off without a hitch. The rest all had problems and most of them were things that should have been seen in advance. He has not been written up once. I am not sure what it means but I am sure that I am not being treated fairly. Even the co-worker that I have been watching thinks the same. The whole team has said as much and yet there is nothing I can do about it.

So I am wasted tired, stressed, and the project on which I am working is a long and drawn out project and I am so bored with it. I have a couple other projects on my plate that are in the planning stages but they are a ways off. I need to get my head above the water again. I don’t want to leave this job and I have no plans to do so. I just want things to go a little easier. I may have a chance at a lateral move so I am waiting to see about that.

The stupid quitting smoking is really not helping all the stress. I do the gum through the worst part of the day and smoke it up whilst feeling guilty about it at home because I don’t have the stomach for the gum.

I have no outlet for stress right now. This sucks.

WHAT. THE. FUCK. OVER?

I can’t even get to sleep on time. I want to be in bed right now but the fact is that makes tomorrow get here even faster. And I honestly don’t want to deal with tomorrow.